Easy, Breezy, Forgettable Cover Girl!
America`s Next Top Model Season 4 - Episode 12

By JT
5/20/2005

We've kloofed a long road with the wannabe fashionistas from this cycle of America's Next Top Model -- from Los Angeles to South Africa, we watched as they primped, posed, battled skin disease and vomited into dinner napkins. Now we have come to the end of the journey and are left with only three competitors: Kahlen, a small town Oklahoma girl who struggles with confidence; Naima, a fauxhawked, reformed partier with trouble letting her true personality shine; and Keenyah, an arrogant bitch from Compton with an appetite for victory. And carbs.

Our finale begins with a visit from host Tyra Banks, who sits down with each model for a little one on one sistah-friend type bonding, during which her vast experience and sage advice will undoubtedly be the key to unlock whatever issues they are facing at the moment. Kahlen is proud to have overcome those who doubted her, while Naima has reached a comfortable level of acceptance with herself. Keenyah acknowledges she has a fierce competitive streak, and to bring her down a few notches, Tyra asks why she thinks she eats so compulsively. Keenyah blames it on an "oral fixation," which only proves her ignorance. After all, everyone knows that cocksucking has fewer calories than a brownie. Bitch, please!

The next morning, the girls are greeted by Jay Manuel to learn about their final challenge. At least, I think it's Jay Manuel – I can't be sure because this guy is wearing a basic polo shirt with men's pants rather than a sheer animal print bodysuit and skirt. Jay explains that they will be filming a commercial for Cover Girl cosmetics as well as shooting a print ad, and off we go.

Kahlen has trouble memorizing her lines and can barely get the words out on camera. Since this isn't exactly Shakespeare, it's kind of pathetic. Keenyah prances through the shoot with an annoying and cheesy overconfidence. Enough with the coy winking every time you reach the end of the runway, fatty! Naima, still holding back, has an uncomfortably stiff delivery and is given direction by Jay Manuel. Now, we've all seen his Cover Girl commercials with Elsa Benitez from last season. Pot, meet kettle…he likes to cross dress and is sponsored by Mattel. Amazing what can be done with plastic these days, isn't it?

Later, at panel, the judges rate the girls on the finished commercial, their runway walk and the individual Cover Girl beauty shots. Although Tyra thinks she walks like Gumby, Naima's photo gets rave reviews from everyone but the stupid midget Nole, who prefers her wooden performance in the commercial. When Naima breaks down in tears after again proclaiming that she is trying to suppress her past, I begin to wonder just what the hell was this girl into back in Detroit? Sounds like more than just your run-of-the-mill partying. I think she murdered someone and I hope that Nole is next on her list, followed by Tyra and Jay Manuel.

Nigel and Janice proceed to disagree over Keenyah's photo and commercial presence. Nigel loves it but Janice doesn't and repeats over and over again that "Keenyah needs to lose weight." The flip side is that without a Twinkie constantly in her mouth we run the risk of actually having to hear her speak so highly about herself all the time. Finally, the panel loves Kahlen's photo but Tyra hates it. So, after praising the picture, Nole tries to crawl back up Tyra's fat keester by criticizing Kahlen's lack of "punch and pizzazz" in the commercial. Mmmmm…."punch." Me likey the sound of that. Come here, Nole, you little twat!

After deliberations, Tyra hands Naima her photo and it's down to Kahlen and Keenyah.  Tyra asks them to face each other and proceeds to inform them that each one has what the other needs. Keenyah has the personality and confidence to be a great spokesmodel, while Kahlen has poise, runway presence and the ability to take beautiful pictures -- in other words, everything that modeling is really all about. See ya, Keenyah! Shocked by her elimination, Keenyah tells us in voiceover that she truly believed she had more potential than Kahlen and that she thinks very highly of herself. Really?! No kidding?! How's that working out for you? As she departs, Keenyah says that with regards to her pursuing her modeling dream, that nothing can hold her back, and adds with a chuckle…"Unless I get fatter!" Tee hee! Peace out, lardass, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out…you might break it! Bwah!

The following day, after taking an inspirational walk in the mountains to reflect upon their hatred of each other, the final two are met by Jay Manuel, back to his usual style in a silky blouse open to the navel and revealing a bronze chest waxed within an inch of its life. Seriously, this bozo is less realistic than a Ken doll. Their final test will be a major fashion show featuring three designers and a runway that lies about an inch below water.  Miss J Alexander sashays out from backstage to show them how it's done and proclaims, "You model tramps need to stomp this water and make it do the water dance. Walk like Jesus!" Speaking of Jesus, I wonder if he can arrange it so that Miss J hosts the show next season instead of Tyra. Ooh, snap! You betta weeeerk!

That night, as the girls are in makeup, Tyra pays them a visit to give a pep talk and some final words of advice. Being the self-proclaimed Yoda of the modeling world, you would think she could come up with something better than "Before a swimwear show, you should immediately disrobe backstage while getting your makeup done so the clothing lines on your skin have time to disappear." But, alas…

Next is a commercial break during which we are forced to hear about how fabulous last cycle's winner, Eva, thinks her life is. That is, if by "fabulous" she means "boring" and by "life" she means "days spent sitting on a promenade staring at the river."

Back on the runway, both Kahlen and Naima perform decently. Well, no one falls or drowns at least. As usual, the judges are in the audience making fools of themselves, jumping around, hooting and hollering as if they were at the Super Bowl and not a high-end South African fashion show. If this were real life, I would be the poor guy sitting behind them, seething over my obstructed view.

The girls appear before the judges one last time wearing bright, flowing designer gowns that definitely didn't come out of either of their suitcases back at the hotel. As Tyra recites the prizes for the millionth time, Naima clutches her chest with a pained expression and looks as if she's about to pull a Rebecca. Don't worry, Naima, this droning spiel gives me agita, too. After reviewing all the photos from past weeks and the results of the final challenge, the girls are asked why they each think they should win the competition and the expected bullshit answers are given. Kahlen thinks she is Top Model material because she's overcome so much hardship in her life, such as being overlooked and considered not good enough. Boo hoo. Naima believes she should win because tonight she walked into the room feeling beautiful, whereas before she hated herself. Well, guess what, Naima? I still hate you. I think it's the breathy, quasi-accented way you speak. Either that, or the thing growing on your forehead.

Tyra solemnly declares that this deep introspection proves the fact that models aren't just shells. Yes, apparently they are self-centered, shallow bitches as well. With that, deliberations commence. Nole and Janice bicker with all the intensity that two people hopped up on Valium can muster, and it's finally decision time!

You can (barely) feel the (non-existant) tension in the air as Tyra reveals that America's Next Top Model is…Naima.

Gasps, tears, hugs, blah blah blah. Oh, what was that about always being overlooked and not good enough, Kahlen? Yeah, yeah, whatever…move along! And with that, the fashion universe has a new face to forget about within a few weeks. Fierce!

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