This season opens with a late night shot of new cast member Danny's house
somewhere outside of Boston. In the background you can see the silhouette of a
man on horseback quickly rush down Danny's street yelling, "The camera fuckers
are coming! The camera fuckers are coming!"
Quick to hammer home the Dumb Will Hunting comparisons that Danny is sure to
draw all season, Blatantly Making Prototypes crack editing team shows a clip of
idiot savant Danny standing on a roof while he says, "My sistah's in medical
school, my other sistah's a nuss, and I'm bangin nwails."
At the airport Danny's dad gives him some great goodbye advice. "Be careful,
all right? Don't be stupid." Not "Don't do anything stupid" but "Don't be
stupid." You can tell that Danny, Sr., has watched an episode or two of The
Real World before. Danny assures his Pops that he's not anything like the
150+ camera fuckers that have appeared on the show in the preceding eleven years
and promises that if MTV gives him a job at a day care center he won't let any
of the kids drink wine. "Only Sam Adams Lite, none of that hawd stuff," he says.
I'm disappointed that we're a good two minutes into this episode and there
hasn't been a single shot of a cowboy or an oil well yet. By this time in the
first episode of Real World Back to New York, BMP had shown us fifteen
different views of the Statue of Liberty. Things just haven't been the same
since Mary Bunim-Ellis went to that great Big Brother compound in the
Now that Bohunks Mean Profits has used their opening number to introduce us
to this season's Eric Neis, it's time to meet the other cast members. Rachel is
a chunky faced Road Rules Semester at Sea Veronica look-alike. In a
voice-over she tells us that she joined the US Army to become a nurse and was
shocked to learn that she might have to actually go to war. It's quite easy to
see that Rachel is going to become one of those year-in, year-out RW/RR
Challenge contestants. She's done feeding off Chimpy's lactose intolerant
teat and is moving on to Jon Murray's succulent surgically enhanced D cups of
Nehemiah is the black guy this season. We can tell he's black because of the
color of his skin, his goofy name and his Sojourner Truth boxing shorts. We'll
see him again in the annual episode six, aka The Angry Black Cast Member
Learns How to Get Along With Others. Nehemiah is from California and just
graduated from college with a degree in media arts. "I knew I wanted to do film
. . . so I had to get out of California." Yeah, I had to check the closed
captioning two or three times on that one myself. You can't make up shit that
Nehemiah and Rachel meet somewhere on the University of Texas campus. Where's
Charles Whitman when you need him? Rachel quickly ascertains that the black guy
heading her way with a camera crew is probably either a drug dealer or one of
her new roommates. She says that Nehemiah came up "totally looking like the
picture of black power, but he came up with a big smile on his face and at least
I felt welcome at the same time." You can read between the lines on that one.
She compliments Nehemiah on this goofy piece of wood he's wearing around his
neck. It's shaped like a Christmas tree only with a painting of Martin Luther
King, Jr.'s, head as one of the ornaments. Did we mention that Nehemiah's black
While they're walking to their new house, Nehemiah and Rachel discover that
they both have something else in common besides the fact that he's black and
she's a closet racist. Both have a boyfriend/girlfriend that they're "taking a
break from" so they can fully enjoy the benefits of being a camera fucker for
five months in the biggest college town in Texas. Rachel says that she "loves
her boyfriend Erik tons" and they've agreed that neither one will have sex or
baby talk with anyone else while she's on the show. Nehemiah bets her fifty
bucks that she won't make it to episode three before the night vision bedroom
cameras catch her being dry humped by a crooked trucker hat wearing twenty year
old alcoholic frat boy named Kevin or Steven.
Johanna is from Lima, Peru. She says she was accepted in the master's program
in social work at Columbia but she decided to take a break and whore herself out
on basic cable for the next six or seven years instead.
Wes says he grew up in Kansas City which is not a good place to learn about
yourself or the world. So he did what any young man who is on a soul-searching
journey does. No, not backpack across Europe with a dog-eared copy of On the
Road in your back pocket. "I left as fast as possible and went to the number
one party school in America, Arizona State." Thank God he didn't go to the
number one party boat in Aruba on accident. Though I do hear they have a killer
Wes is an ugly man. I don't mean ugly in that typical muscled up generic frat
boy kind of way, though he's that too. I mean Wes is truly ugly. He has a very
small, scrunched-up head and beady eyes. Kind of the anti-Kyle from Real
World Chicago. And his nose has this permanent crinkle to it, kind of like
he has a speck of shit stuck on his upper lip and the smell just won't go away.
And even when Wes is smiling, the corners of his mouth are turned down.
Johanna and Wes meet in front of the Zilker Park statue of Gibby Haynes
stabbing Stevie Ray Vaughan in the gut with the broken neck of a blues guitar.
Wes stares right at Johanna's chest and says, "Oh man, this is going to be fun."
He tells the camera that Johanna is "one of the most beautiful, interesting, and
mysterious girls I've ever seen." Mysterious meaning she's not quite white, if
my Dumbass White Frat Guy to English Dictionary is correct. Wes is giving
off that same creepy
I'm-always-on-the-outside-watching-other-people-make-out-at-parties vibe that
photographer guy from Road Rules Semester at Sea gave me. Pawel? Or
something like that. I'm too lazy to look it up.
Johanna tells Wes she's "single and ready to mingle." You can tell he's
translating that as "she's a whore who's ready to score" as he stares at her
camel toe. I don't think he's made eye contact with her yet.
Danny from Bahston (remember him?) says he's attracted to that All-American
type of girl. You know–-skinny, blonde, big tits, rocks in the head. Wonder
which of his roommates he's about to be introduced to?
Our next cast member is Melinda, a 21 year old All-American girl from
Milwaukee. She's skinny, blonde, has big tits, and pebbles for brains. She's
"just getting into the party life" which seems to mean that she has a large
collection of complimentary Girls Gone Wild t-shirts in her closet. She
has a boyfriend of three years named Jason. He gave her a promise ring to wear
while she's whoring herself in Austin. She wants to remain faithful to Jason but
doesn't know if she can since she's a nymph (sic). And a ballerina and a fireman
and an astronaut. And a pretty, pretty princess.
You can see the juices soaking through Melinda's jeans when she meets Danny.
The cab driver does a good job of reading his cue cards when he tells Melinda
and Danny that the "mountain" (it's like 400 feet high, I've been there) that
they met on is one of Austin's romantic, make out points.
The last cast member introduced is Lacey. She's 23 years old and came to Jon
Murray's attention when she starred in a very special episode of MTV's newest
plastic surgery reality show, I Want to Look Like a Really, Really Pale
Mister Ed. Lacey is a hairdresser at, in her own words, "the most happening
hair salon in Tallahassee." That's kinda like winning the bronze medal in
shuffleboard at the Special Olympics. She says her specialty is spitting in
people's hair and calling it conditioner. Wes tells her he's glad that she's a
hairdresser because he doesn't think Austin has his usual Haircuts by Moe
The black guy and the chunky girl finally get to the house. Rachel creams her
jeans when Nehemiah actually uses the front door key instead of breaking in a
side window like she expected. "Oh My God! This house is like so cool!
There's like bright colors on the walls and an obnoxiously big bathroom with a
really kinky group shower! And there's a hot tub! And condoms! Bowls and bowls
of condoms! Oh! And cowboy hats and cowboy boots!" Yeah, we've all seen it
before on the first episode of the last 67 seasons of The Real World, but I
don't guess these seven retards have.
In an eerily prescient interview, Johanna and her pompadour say that she's
into tall, dark, handsome guys. In other words, she doesn't fuck black guys
(Nehemiah) or muscled-up Troll doll lookalikes (Wes) so she's disappointed in
her roommates so far. And who should walk into the house just then but her tall,
dark, handsome new roommate Bahston Danny and All-American Melinda. There's just
a hint of foreshadowing as the camera pans between pretty boy Danny's face and
the catty but perky nipples of Johanna and Melinda. I smell potential conflict.
Or maybe that's just Nehemiah's new cologne: Richard Wright's Native Son.
After hearing Danny talk, Wes says, "You look like you're from Boston." Danny
replies, "You look like you just escaped from the Gold's Gym underneath Oompa
Rachel and Melinda decide to room together. Rachel says she knew as soon as
she met Melinda that they'd eventually make out. And that's OK as long as they
don't engage in any sex or baby talk. That might piss Rachel's serious boyfriend
Erik off. She loves him tons and wouldn't want to do that.
23 seconds later, everyone's in a swimsuit and in the hot tub with lukewarm
Jaegermeister shots. And they're all wearing bar wristbands so obviously this
scene actually took place three months later. Gotta love that Bunim-Murray
continuity checker. You almost can't see their eyes moving as they read off the
cue cards. "So who are you planning on hooking up with?" "Where's the craziest
place you've had sex?" "Nowhere, I'm a virgin." Now that all the stereotyp...er,
character development is out of the way for this season, the cast members can
get on to the serious business of camera fucking. You can see the gerbils in
their heads turning as Melinda and Rachel proceed to make out in front of their
other new roommates. You can also see Wes prematurely ejaculate in the water.
"Look, Ma, no hands!"
Next, Melinda and Danny have a really deep conversation by the pool.
M: I feel like a connection with you, and it's not just like
because we're obviously the two prettiest people here and Jon Murray slipped me
that twenty to have this conversation. Like, I feel like there's so much stuff
we have in common.
D: Yeah. We have a lot in common.
M: Yeah. And like it's hot.
I'm not really sure what these two asshats have in common except for the
standard His-Penis-Would-Fit-In-My-Vagina bullshit and they don't elaborate, but
this love connection has blossomed faster than Chuck Woolery can say, "Be back
in two in two." Melinda says when she's around Danny she feels happier than a
kid in a candy store. A candy store with penis-flavored lollipops. Oh, what a
nymph she is!
After a standard 18 minute MTV commercial break, these seven wacky kids are
getting ready to hit the street--Austin's famous bar-ridden 6th Street. Wes
says, "Danny, I bet you that I'm going to pull more ass than you." Is "pull more
ass" one of those newfangled euphemisms for "hide in a closet and masturbate
while my other, better-looking roommates have sex"? Because that's the only way
I see Wes winning that bet.
Danny then proceeds to say maybe the dumbest thing I have ever heard in 93
years of watching The Real World. "Wes is like a typical frat guy . . ."
Danny pauses here, so far I'm agreeing 100% with him, but then he continues and
this is where it goes all wrong, " . . . and I love that about him." That's
about like hearing Anne Frank say, "Hitler is just your typical awesome
anti-Semitic, genocide-loving dictator . . . and I think that's hot!" Danny has
just proven he's dumber than a 11 year old Mormon boy who's lost in the woods.
Johanna tells Lacey that she-–giggle, giggle-–might have a-–hee, hee-–cr.ush
on Danny but that Miss Melinda is "putting it all out there." At the club,
Nehemiah says everyone is having a great time "even though none of these people
can dance. Except for me. And my Harriet Tubman t-shirt. And my Mr. Bojangles
shoes. Because I'm black." Lacey says she doesn't like to dance. Or go out in
the sun. And she can't see herself in mirrors. And she hates garlic and
crucifixes. Johanna mouth rapes Danny. He absolutely had nothing to do with it.
It was all Johanna's fault. She made him stick his tongue in her mouth. He only
has eyes for Melinda.
The drunk frat guys decide to make fun of the fat girl. They get Parker Posey
to wake Rachel up and pour ketchup, eggs and flour on her before she has to
crawl on the floor and fry like bacon, little piggie, fry! None of this is
especially degrading, but then Rachel has to fake propose marriage to Wes.
That's just fucking sick, sometimes jokes can get carried too far.
Johanna gets on the phone with her best friend and says, "You think we were
crazy, these are some real wild childs (sic) here." Yeah, I see that master's
degree from Columbia coming real soon, Jo.
The black guy reappears at the breakfast table in his George Washington
Carver bathrobe so that he can say important things like "Hell, yeah, dawg"
while Danny reveals that he's falling for Melinda. The whole cast decides to go
eat lunch at the famous 4th Street Schlotzsky's. A middle-aged lady
sitting alone at the table across from them tells Wes, "You, you should
never, you should never, you should never, you should never
traumatize a woman with sexual intercourse. You, you, you should never
traumatize a woman with sexual intercourse. I should know. I'm a medical
Nehemiah asks Johanna what kind of guys she's attracted to. "Really smart
ones," she answers. Hope Danny's finished with his MENSA application. Lacey
tries to join the conversation, "My boy.friend's smarter than me." But Nehemiah
and Johanna tell her to shut up and go sit across the room at the geeks table
with Bill Haverchuck.
Johanna and Nehemiah go for a walk. Nehemiah and his Bob Marley hoodie tell
Johanna that they're not into fighting. Johanna says she turns into a stark,
raving mad bitch when she drinks hard liquor like Smirnoff Ice. She asks
Nehemiah to protect her if she does drink too much. He doffs his Billy Dee
Williams hat and says he'll be glad to, little lady.
Back at the house, Melinda is innocently walking around in a tight little
pair of black underpants. She says that she does that all the time, that at home
she'll walk around in front of her dad in a bra and panties and that her daddy
and Uncle Larry and Uncle Steve say there's not anything wrong with that, now
come sit in my lap little missy! Wes gets lockjaw from staring at her ass for so
long with his mouth wide open. Doesn't really matter since he's an open mouth
In the confessional, Wes says, "Melinda is hot. That's all I have to say.
She's probably going to hook up with every guy here, and I don't mean in the
house. I mean in Austin. But that fat chick Rachel, she'd be lucky to give a
handjob to one of the homeless bums on North Lamar. Because hot girl equals
automatic whore, fat chick equals something to wake up in the middle of the
night and make fun of."
It's three in the afternoon so it's time for these new Austinites to start
drinking again. Party at the moon tower! Johanna has her third Zima so she
starts dancing on the bar. Nehemiah actually took their conversation seriously
earlier today about looking out for her when she drinks and he tries to get her
to slow down and drink some water. Johanna gets pissed and tears off Nehemiah's
Langston Hughes jacket only to find a Ralph Ellison sweatshirt underneath. It's
just like February at the public library in Harlem as Johanna tries to drunkenly
strip off Nehemiah's walking Black History Month clothing display.
Saving his angry black man persona for later in the season, Nehemiah decides
to leave the bar before Johanna gets him down to his Tito Jackson tanktop and
Scooby Doo Meets the Harlem Globetrotters underoos. Danny and Wes decide to go
find Nehemiah. They're running down crowded 6th Street asking, "Hey, where'd the
black guy go?" As if some drunk Austinite is going to tell them, "Oh, the black
guy? He's probably over at the watermelon patch and grape soda stand next to
I'm still not quite sure how it started since as usual the cameramen seem to
have been about thirty seconds slow in getting to the action, but Wes and Danny
get into a shoving match with some other generic blurry faced frat guys and one
of them lays Danny out cold in the middle of the wet street. It's an absolutely
beautiful punch, pretty boy Danny's head snaps back a good foot and the frat boy
responsible is automatically named Mayor of 6th Street in next week's issue of
the Austin Chronicle. Though Danny is so real-drunk and punch-drunk that
he doesn't recognize any of his roommates, the wonderful Austin cops let him go
home with his other just-as-inebriated roommates.
Back at the house, Wes starts screaming that it's Nehemiah's fault that Danny
got his ass kicked. There's some kind of fault in this logic since Nehemiah left
the bar specifically so he wouldn't get in a fight and he wasn't anywhere close
to 6th Street when Danny did get punched, but I'm too dazed after watching this
episode twice now to thoroughly analyze it.
Rachel the drunk Army nurse decides that Danny needs to go to the hospital.
The doctor says he has a fracture of the mediawhoreus humerus and it could lead
to blindness. I'm pretty sure Wes knows of some other things that can cause
blindness. And hairy palms.
Archive > Television > The Real World > Season 16: Austin