Beers, Steers, and Jon Murray Forgot to Cast a Queer
The Real World Season 16: Austin - Episode 1

By BillyPilgrim
6/27/2005

This season opens with a late night shot of new cast member Danny's house somewhere outside of Boston. In the background you can see the silhouette of a man on horseback quickly rush down Danny's street yelling, "The camera fuckers are coming! The camera fuckers are coming!"

Quick to hammer home the Dumb Will Hunting comparisons that Danny is sure to draw all season, Blatantly Making Prototypes crack editing team shows a clip of idiot savant Danny standing on a roof while he says, "My sistah's in medical school, my other sistah's a nuss, and I'm bangin nwails."

At the airport Danny's dad gives him some great goodbye advice. "Be careful, all right? Don't be stupid." Not "Don't do anything stupid" but "Don't be stupid." You can tell that Danny, Sr., has watched an episode or two of The Real World before. Danny assures his Pops that he's not anything like the 150+ camera fuckers that have appeared on the show in the preceding eleven years and promises that if MTV gives him a job at a day care center he won't let any of the kids drink wine. "Only Sam Adams Lite, none of that hawd stuff," he says.

I'm disappointed that we're a good two minutes into this episode and there hasn't been a single shot of a cowboy or an oil well yet. By this time in the first episode of Real World Back to New York, BMP had shown us fifteen different views of the Statue of Liberty. Things just haven't been the same since Mary Bunim-Ellis went to that great Big Brother compound in the sky.

Now that Bohunks Mean Profits has used their opening number to introduce us to this season's Eric Neis, it's time to meet the other cast members. Rachel is a chunky faced Road Rules Semester at Sea Veronica look-alike. In a voice-over she tells us that she joined the US Army to become a nurse and was shocked to learn that she might have to actually go to war. It's quite easy to see that Rachel is going to become one of those year-in, year-out RW/RR Challenge contestants. She's done feeding off Chimpy's lactose intolerant teat and is moving on to Jon Murray's succulent surgically enhanced D cups of media whoredom.

Nehemiah is the black guy this season. We can tell he's black because of the color of his skin, his goofy name and his Sojourner Truth boxing shorts. We'll see him again in the annual episode six, aka The Angry Black Cast Member Learns How to Get Along With Others. Nehemiah is from California and just graduated from college with a degree in media arts. "I knew I wanted to do film . . . so I had to get out of California." Yeah, I had to check the closed captioning two or three times on that one myself. You can't make up shit that ridiculously stupid.

Nehemiah and Rachel meet somewhere on the University of Texas campus. Where's Charles Whitman when you need him? Rachel quickly ascertains that the black guy heading her way with a camera crew is probably either a drug dealer or one of her new roommates. She says that Nehemiah came up "totally looking like the picture of black power, but he came up with a big smile on his face and at least I felt welcome at the same time." You can read between the lines on that one.

She compliments Nehemiah on this goofy piece of wood he's wearing around his neck. It's shaped like a Christmas tree only with a painting of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s, head as one of the ornaments. Did we mention that Nehemiah's black yet?

While they're walking to their new house, Nehemiah and Rachel discover that they both have something else in common besides the fact that he's black and she's a closet racist. Both have a boyfriend/girlfriend that they're "taking a break from" so they can fully enjoy the benefits of being a camera fucker for five months in the biggest college town in Texas. Rachel says that she "loves her boyfriend Erik tons" and they've agreed that neither one will have sex or baby talk with anyone else while she's on the show. Nehemiah bets her fifty bucks that she won't make it to episode three before the night vision bedroom cameras catch her being dry humped by a crooked trucker hat wearing twenty year old alcoholic frat boy named Kevin or Steven.

Johanna is from Lima, Peru. She says she was accepted in the master's program in social work at Columbia but she decided to take a break and whore herself out on basic cable for the next six or seven years instead.

Wes says he grew up in Kansas City which is not a good place to learn about yourself or the world. So he did what any young man who is on a soul-searching journey does. No, not backpack across Europe with a dog-eared copy of On the Road in your back pocket. "I left as fast as possible and went to the number one party school in America, Arizona State." Thank God he didn't go to the number one party boat in Aruba on accident. Though I do hear they have a killer DJ.

Wes is an ugly man. I don't mean ugly in that typical muscled up generic frat boy kind of way, though he's that too. I mean Wes is truly ugly. He has a very small, scrunched-up head and beady eyes. Kind of the anti-Kyle from Real World Chicago. And his nose has this permanent crinkle to it, kind of like he has a speck of shit stuck on his upper lip and the smell just won't go away. And even when Wes is smiling, the corners of his mouth are turned down.

Johanna and Wes meet in front of the Zilker Park statue of Gibby Haynes stabbing Stevie Ray Vaughan in the gut with the broken neck of a blues guitar. Wes stares right at Johanna's chest and says, "Oh man, this is going to be fun." He tells the camera that Johanna is "one of the most beautiful, interesting, and mysterious girls I've ever seen." Mysterious meaning she's not quite white, if my Dumbass White Frat Guy to English Dictionary is correct. Wes is giving off that same creepy I'm-always-on-the-outside-watching-other-people-make-out-at-parties vibe that photographer guy from Road Rules Semester at Sea gave me. Pawel? Or something like that. I'm too lazy to look it up.

Johanna tells Wes she's "single and ready to mingle." You can tell he's translating that as "she's a whore who's ready to score" as he stares at her camel toe. I don't think he's made eye contact with her yet.

Danny from Bahston (remember him?) says he's attracted to that All-American type of girl. You know–-skinny, blonde, big tits, rocks in the head. Wonder which of his roommates he's about to be introduced to?

Our next cast member is Melinda, a 21 year old All-American girl from Milwaukee. She's skinny, blonde, has big tits, and pebbles for brains. She's "just getting into the party life" which seems to mean that she has a large collection of complimentary Girls Gone Wild t-shirts in her closet. She has a boyfriend of three years named Jason. He gave her a promise ring to wear while she's whoring herself in Austin. She wants to remain faithful to Jason but doesn't know if she can since she's a nymph (sic). And a ballerina and a fireman and an astronaut. And a pretty, pretty princess.

You can see the juices soaking through Melinda's jeans when she meets Danny. The cab driver does a good job of reading his cue cards when he tells Melinda and Danny that the "mountain" (it's like 400 feet high, I've been there) that they met on is one of Austin's romantic, make out points.

The last cast member introduced is Lacey. She's 23 years old and came to Jon Murray's attention when she starred in a very special episode of MTV's newest plastic surgery reality show, I Want to Look Like a Really, Really Pale Mister Ed. Lacey is a hairdresser at, in her own words, "the most happening hair salon in Tallahassee." That's kinda like winning the bronze medal in shuffleboard at the Special Olympics. She says her specialty is spitting in people's hair and calling it conditioner. Wes tells her he's glad that she's a hairdresser because he doesn't think Austin has his usual Haircuts by Moe Howard franchise.

The black guy and the chunky girl finally get to the house. Rachel creams her jeans when Nehemiah actually uses the front door key instead of breaking in a side window like she expected. "Oh My God! This house is like so cool! There's like bright colors on the walls and an obnoxiously big bathroom with a really kinky group shower! And there's a hot tub! And condoms! Bowls and bowls of condoms! Oh! And cowboy hats and cowboy boots!" Yeah, we've all seen it before on the first episode of the last 67 seasons of The Real World, but I don't guess these seven retards have.

In an eerily prescient interview, Johanna and her pompadour say that she's into tall, dark, handsome guys. In other words, she doesn't fuck black guys (Nehemiah) or muscled-up Troll doll lookalikes (Wes) so she's disappointed in her roommates so far. And who should walk into the house just then but her tall, dark, handsome new roommate Bahston Danny and All-American Melinda. There's just a hint of foreshadowing as the camera pans between pretty boy Danny's face and the catty but perky nipples of Johanna and Melinda. I smell potential conflict. Or maybe that's just Nehemiah's new cologne: Richard Wright's Native Son.

After hearing Danny talk, Wes says, "You look like you're from Boston." Danny replies, "You look like you just escaped from the Gold's Gym underneath Oompa Lompa Land."

Rachel and Melinda decide to room together. Rachel says she knew as soon as she met Melinda that they'd eventually make out. And that's OK as long as they don't engage in any sex or baby talk. That might piss Rachel's serious boyfriend Erik off. She loves him tons and wouldn't want to do that.

23 seconds later, everyone's in a swimsuit and in the hot tub with lukewarm Jaegermeister shots. And they're all wearing bar wristbands so obviously this scene actually took place three months later. Gotta love that Bunim-Murray continuity checker. You almost can't see their eyes moving as they read off the cue cards. "So who are you planning on hooking up with?" "Where's the craziest place you've had sex?" "Nowhere, I'm a virgin." Now that all the stereotyp...er, character development is out of the way for this season, the cast members can get on to the serious business of camera fucking. You can see the gerbils in their heads turning as Melinda and Rachel proceed to make out in front of their other new roommates. You can also see Wes prematurely ejaculate in the water. "Look, Ma, no hands!"

Next, Melinda and Danny have a really deep conversation by the pool.

M: I feel like a connection with you, and it's not just like because we're obviously the two prettiest people here and Jon Murray slipped me that twenty to have this conversation. Like, I feel like there's so much stuff we have in common.

D: Yeah. We have a lot in common.

M: Yeah. And like it's hot.

D: Yeah.

I'm not really sure what these two asshats have in common except for the standard His-Penis-Would-Fit-In-My-Vagina bullshit and they don't elaborate, but this love connection has blossomed faster than Chuck Woolery can say, "Be back in two in two." Melinda says when she's around Danny she feels happier than a kid in a candy store. A candy store with penis-flavored lollipops. Oh, what a nymph she is!

After a standard 18 minute MTV commercial break, these seven wacky kids are getting ready to hit the street--Austin's famous bar-ridden 6th Street. Wes says, "Danny, I bet you that I'm going to pull more ass than you." Is "pull more ass" one of those newfangled euphemisms for "hide in a closet and masturbate while my other, better-looking roommates have sex"? Because that's the only way I see Wes winning that bet.

Danny then proceeds to say maybe the dumbest thing I have ever heard in 93 years of watching The Real World. "Wes is like a typical frat guy . . ." Danny pauses here, so far I'm agreeing 100% with him, but then he continues and this is where it goes all wrong, " . . . and I love that about him." That's about like hearing Anne Frank say, "Hitler is just your typical awesome anti-Semitic, genocide-loving dictator . . . and I think that's hot!" Danny has just proven he's dumber than a 11 year old Mormon boy who's lost in the woods.

Johanna tells Lacey that she-–giggle, giggle-–might have a-–hee, hee-–cr.ush on Danny but that Miss Melinda is "putting it all out there." At the club, Nehemiah says everyone is having a great time "even though none of these people can dance. Except for me. And my Harriet Tubman t-shirt. And my Mr. Bojangles shoes. Because I'm black." Lacey says she doesn't like to dance. Or go out in the sun. And she can't see herself in mirrors. And she hates garlic and crucifixes. Johanna mouth rapes Danny. He absolutely had nothing to do with it. It was all Johanna's fault. She made him stick his tongue in her mouth. He only has eyes for Melinda.

The drunk frat guys decide to make fun of the fat girl. They get Parker Posey to wake Rachel up and pour ketchup, eggs and flour on her before she has to crawl on the floor and fry like bacon, little piggie, fry! None of this is especially degrading, but then Rachel has to fake propose marriage to Wes. That's just fucking sick, sometimes jokes can get carried too far.

Johanna gets on the phone with her best friend and says, "You think we were crazy, these are some real wild childs (sic) here." Yeah, I see that master's degree from Columbia coming real soon, Jo.

The black guy reappears at the breakfast table in his George Washington Carver bathrobe so that he can say important things like "Hell, yeah, dawg" while Danny reveals that he's falling for Melinda. The whole cast decides to go eat lunch at the famous 4th Street Schlotzsky's. A middle-aged lady sitting alone at the table across from them tells Wes, "You, you should never, you should never, you should never, you should never traumatize a woman with sexual intercourse. You, you, you should never traumatize a woman with sexual intercourse. I should know. I'm a medical doctor."

Nehemiah asks Johanna what kind of guys she's attracted to. "Really smart ones," she answers. Hope Danny's finished with his MENSA application. Lacey tries to join the conversation, "My boy.friend's smarter than me." But Nehemiah and Johanna tell her to shut up and go sit across the room at the geeks table with Bill Haverchuck.

Johanna and Nehemiah go for a walk. Nehemiah and his Bob Marley hoodie tell Johanna that they're not into fighting. Johanna says she turns into a stark, raving mad bitch when she drinks hard liquor like Smirnoff Ice. She asks Nehemiah to protect her if she does drink too much. He doffs his Billy Dee Williams hat and says he'll be glad to, little lady.

Back at the house, Melinda is innocently walking around in a tight little pair of black underpants. She says that she does that all the time, that at home she'll walk around in front of her dad in a bra and panties and that her daddy and Uncle Larry and Uncle Steve say there's not anything wrong with that, now come sit in my lap little missy! Wes gets lockjaw from staring at her ass for so long with his mouth wide open. Doesn't really matter since he's an open mouth breather anyways.

In the confessional, Wes says, "Melinda is hot. That's all I have to say. She's probably going to hook up with every guy here, and I don't mean in the house. I mean in Austin. But that fat chick Rachel, she'd be lucky to give a handjob to one of the homeless bums on North Lamar. Because hot girl equals automatic whore, fat chick equals something to wake up in the middle of the night and make fun of."

It's three in the afternoon so it's time for these new Austinites to start drinking again. Party at the moon tower! Johanna has her third Zima so she starts dancing on the bar. Nehemiah actually took their conversation seriously earlier today about looking out for her when she drinks and he tries to get her to slow down and drink some water. Johanna gets pissed and tears off Nehemiah's Langston Hughes jacket only to find a Ralph Ellison sweatshirt underneath. It's just like February at the public library in Harlem as Johanna tries to drunkenly strip off Nehemiah's walking Black History Month clothing display.

Saving his angry black man persona for later in the season, Nehemiah decides to leave the bar before Johanna gets him down to his Tito Jackson tanktop and Scooby Doo Meets the Harlem Globetrotters underoos. Danny and Wes decide to go find Nehemiah. They're running down crowded 6th Street asking, "Hey, where'd the black guy go?" As if some drunk Austinite is going to tell them, "Oh, the black guy? He's probably over at the watermelon patch and grape soda stand next to Waterloo Records."

I'm still not quite sure how it started since as usual the cameramen seem to have been about thirty seconds slow in getting to the action, but Wes and Danny get into a shoving match with some other generic blurry faced frat guys and one of them lays Danny out cold in the middle of the wet street. It's an absolutely beautiful punch, pretty boy Danny's head snaps back a good foot and the frat boy responsible is automatically named Mayor of 6th Street in next week's issue of the Austin Chronicle. Though Danny is so real-drunk and punch-drunk that he doesn't recognize any of his roommates, the wonderful Austin cops let him go home with his other just-as-inebriated roommates.

Back at the house, Wes starts screaming that it's Nehemiah's fault that Danny got his ass kicked. There's some kind of fault in this logic since Nehemiah left the bar specifically so he wouldn't get in a fight and he wasn't anywhere close to 6th Street when Danny did get punched, but I'm too dazed after watching this episode twice now to thoroughly analyze it.

Rachel the drunk Army nurse decides that Danny needs to go to the hospital. The doctor says he has a fracture of the mediawhoreus humerus and it could lead to blindness. I'm pretty sure Wes knows of some other things that can cause blindness. And hairy palms.

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