Better than the Superpole2000, it's the Balsaberry2006
Survivor Season 12: Panama - Episode 11

By HotBranch
4/28/2006

Previously on Survivor: Who knows? Probst's voice over tells us that during the reward challenge, Courtney learned that the tribe felt she was the most loudmouthed, obnoxious, and least trustworthy person. For some reason, the truth hurts. Cirie won reward and took Aras and Danielle for a Panamanian spa treatment. Shane went a little more nutso and Bruce's inability to pinch a loaf got him medivac-ed out of the game. Maybe it happened and maybe it didn't. In the same way that Bruce can't take a shit, nobody seems to be give a shit anymore.

Terry tells anyone who will listen that Bruce's gastric distress was the best thing to happen to him, as it prevented him having to win another challenge. "You know," he tells the cameraman, "It's hard to be humble when I keep kicking their sorry asses in the immunity challenges, all while trying to look like I am at risk of getting voted out." Terry realizes he should try to make friends, because he can't rely on being able to pull that hidden immunity idol out of his ass quick enough if he is voted out.

As the castoffsaways putter about their business, waiting for the next recycled challenge, Shane finds a piece of driftwood that reminds him of his Blackberry. This makes Shane all giddy, and he goes to his pondering stump to dash off a few emails to his business partner and his son. The IT guys who built the network used for Survivor Vanuatu's family reunion reward were able to intercept Shane's furiously-typed messages:

TO: partner@failingbusiness.com
SUBJECT: It's me!!!!!!!!!!
dood!
i am so in control of this game!!!!!
can u believe i found my blackberry here?
: )
those other losers wish they were me!
i need a smoke!!!
cyal8r

.
.
.

TO: bostonpowers (cell)
dood!
go 2 betting site & bet on me!
i am going to final 2 with cortnee!!!
bet early & ofen.
luv u
shane powers
(ur dad)
ps: i need a smoke!

Danielle complains that Shane isn't doing anything except being delusional about his blackberry. Bitch, you have to respect a 0MHz balsa processor, with 7 twigs of memory. It's a miracle he even found a decent signal for his balsaberry; cut the psycho some slack!

Seriously, though, Danielle complaining about ANYONE not doing anything would be worth a good laugh if the viewing audience hadn't been forced to see her hairy armpits. For all the money you spent on your implants, don't you think you could have invested $0.69 for a disposable razor?

The reward challenge involves contestants tethered to a rope that is wound around a bunch of obstacles both in and out of the water. First team of 3 to work their way through the obstacles, retrieve three bags of Probst's personal Panamanian cocaine and get back to the beach (via the obstacle course) boards a plane to go have a beach BBQ feast.

Remember the times when people would lose weight when competing on Survivor? Hell! Remember when they used to eat grubs? This is probably all Stacey Stillman's fault…

The challenge is eminently stupid and predictable; the team of Terry, Danielle, and Courtney wins easily, leaving Cirie, Shane, and Aras to suffer the ridicule of Probst. Aras, seen as a considerable threat, gets sent to exile island in an attempt to break his spirit; he uses the time to do some yoga and masturbate.

Before boarding the plane, Probst has the members of the winning team compete with slingshots to determine who wins a new vehicle, thus ensuring that they won't win the million dollars as sole survivor.

Isn't that refreshing! Terry breaks the three clay tiles first and wins the SUV. They get on a plane and fly to a remote location where the SUV complains that it's been waiting for their tardy asses, with the weight of a grill, steaks, and soda breaking the vehicle's back. Not that the car expects any of the survivors to be grateful... These new talking cars have come a long way since KITT broke onto the scene; they even feature guilt-inducing AI chips.

Terry strategizes with the girls, explaining that his perfect final four would be him and the three remaining women. Seriously, Terry, there are better ways to ask a woman to have a four-way...

Meanwhile, Shane explains to Cirie that Courtney is the best person to take to final two because everybody hates her, and would give the best chance at the million. Cirie is kind of pissed at that and decides to go fishing. Shane, recognizing that he might have ticked off Cirie, sends her an email, saying he'll take her to the final two, not Courtney; strangely, Cirie never gets the message. Cirie agonizes over crushing a snail for bait, but eventually catches a decent-sized fish. Remember, Cirie, give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day, teach his wife to fish, and she's stuck doing all the food prep work for life. Don't expect any help in the kitchen when you get home. I'm just sayin'...

While preparing the morning snail gruel, Danielle wonders how the final 2 would be decided if she, Courtney, and Terry are the final 3. Terry says whoever finishes first and second in the final immunity challenge should be the final two, which satisfies Danielle, but not Courtney. For an unpopular chatterbox, she sure is demanding.

The immunity challenge is called "On your knees, bitch!" Designed by the Rube Goldberg engineering firm, each survivor kneels on a platform while holding onto two ropes, attached to a weighted hook. When the ropes are let go, the platform drops the contestant into the water below. The challenge begins with 20% of each contestant's body weight, and another 10% is added every 15 minutes. 97-pound weakling Shane is the first to get dunked into the water, followed by Cirie, Danielle, and Aras. Terry and Courtney get up to 40% of their body weight, but as has been the case in all previous immunity challenges, Terry ends up winning the bib of safety.

Lots of chatter at camp, as the Casayites are forced to choose which of their own they will devour. Shane emails each member secretly and thinks he has a solid plan to vote out Danielle. Too bad, they all forgot to recharge their chunks of wood and never got the messages! Bruce makes it back in time for tribal council, looking refreshed for having finally taken a dump. Stupid chit-chat with Probst reveals the usual cockiness from the usual cast of cocks as they are sent on their way to vote. As Probst reveals the third, and fatal, vote for Courtney, Shane's eyes bug out, not comprehending how his plan went south, especially since he used his trusted blackberry to coordinate the vote. Maybe it needs new batteries.

Courtney complains that her "sisters" turned on her, which isn't surprising since she was voted "Miss Pain in the Ass" during last week's Miss Exile island pageant.

Next week: Same shit, different day. Shane falls to his knees crying; must be the family member reward or a cigarette reward. Who cares?

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