The Survivor Race Experiment: Science is a Bizzle
Survivor Season 13: Cook Islands - Episode 1

By Blotto
9/17/2006

Abstract: Race. One of the most contentious and controversial issues of our time, touching all aspects of life today. It is time this topic was analyzed using our greatest modern diagnostic tool: the television game show. Experimental subjects are segregated according to race and forced to compete under typical reality show conditions. The results will be published in our paper: Genetics or Environment: Which condition most effects an individual's ability to navigate a rope maze and win immunity and some Miller Lite®.

Procedure: Twenty contestants are divided into teams of 5, sort of like Family Feud: Race War Week. Just like every Family Feud team has one bonehead that can't get a single answer right, each tribe has one obvious "black sheep” that will be quickly outcast when the tribe loses. To provide an accurate representation of American culture, subjects have been picked from a variety of backgrounds, including actors, models, actors, Elizabeth Hasselback's makeup artist, and actors. It's like a virtual slice of American Pie!

Initial Observations/Hypotheses:

Most of the subjects were thrown off guard by the racial segregation. Although some expressed concerns about division within their own racial grouping, most were concerned about how this would effect their screen time and/or would this lead to typecasting at future casting calls. One subject wondered if our experiment was "kosher”. We'll never find out, because thankfully nobody invited those trouble-making Jews!

Tribe: Aitu (gesundheit)
Race: Hispanic
Subjects: Cecilia, Christina, hunky JP and Ozzy, and fatfuck Billy (NOTE: As per proper scientific nomenclature, the Latina women will be subsequently described as "Spicy”.)

Subject Billy stated that Hispanics have the advantage in this game, as they are used to tropical environments. He must not be aware that this entire cast is from California or New York. He is also not aware of how to cut bamboo, build a shelter, or do much of anything, and his initial leadership role is taken over by Ozzy. The only other tribe member of note is Spicy Cecilia, who is seen wearing sexy knee-high socks. Muy Caliente!

Hypothesis: Although I am not familiar with Hispanic-American culture, I have seen West Side Story, so I can predict that this tribe will settle its differences in an explosion of song and dance. And they will kick ass in a rumble.

Tribe: Puka
Race: Asian
Subjects: Brad, Jenny, Becky, Yul, and sensei Cao Boi.

The Asians have their work cut out for them, as the greatest previous Asian Survivors include Fartcheese Shii-Ann and last season's Bruce (who got voted out by his own colon). The younger subjects are initially put off by the wacky antics and hacky racial jokes of the older Cao Boi (he's like a Vietnamese Carlos Mencia). There appears to be division in the tribe based on this generational gap.

An example of this occurs when Cao Boi offers to treat Brad's headache using old-school Vietnamese methods. Cao Boi begins gouging Brad's eyes and smacking his forehead in order to "Break the Bad Wind”. I was expecting Cao Boi to ask Brad to pull his finger, but was shocked to see Cao Boi serious about this method! The treatment left a welt on Brad's face, which was supposed to disappear when the headache was gone. (Side note: Here is another Cao Boi medical miracle. If you think someone has a 24-hour flu, repeatedly punch them in the face. When the broken bones and bruises have healed, the flu will be gone).

Hypothesis: Although I am not familiar with Asian-American culture, I have read The Joy Luck Club, so I can predict that divisive issues will arise between the young tribe members and their traditional, old-country mothers. You know what, that doesn't really apply to this situation. You've fucked me for the last time, Amy Tan!

Tribe: Hiki
Race: Black
Subjects: Rebecca, Stephannie, Sundra, Nathan, and Sekou

Initially gregarious and likeable, the subjects are motivated to "represent” and prove their race is not a bunch of can't-swim, never-paddled-a-boat Survivor underachievers. They make lots of jokes about being "in the ghetto” and living in "low-income housing”. Yeah, because all black people are poor, you racist assholes!

Hypothesis: I am familiar with the success rate of African-Americans in reality game shows. They're doomed.

Tribe: Raro
Race: White Devils
Subjects: Adam, Jonathan, Parvati, Jessica, and Candice

The minute this tribe reaches their island, the discussions instantly turn to kicking ass, cutting throats, who's hot, and hooking up. Now THIS is a race that knows how to act on reality TV shows! Subject Jessica describes them as "…a jock, a family man, a sorority-type, a study-type, and an alternative-type-thing...”. What is this, Breakfast Club 2: The Adult Years? She further displays her Survivor intelligence level by accidentally freeing the tribe chickens, one of which subject Jonathan had stolen from the Asian tribe. The chickens escape uncaught, and Jonathan is pissed. I don't know what Jessica is the alternative too, but can we have the original option back?

Hypothesis: I am not familiar with Caucasian-American culture… okay, I'm very familiar with Caucasian-American culture, so I can predict that this tribe will be an embarrassment to humanity.

The Challenge:

The first competition between the tribes involves building a boat, lighting a torch, solving a puzzle, and climbing a ladder. Each task was scientifically measured and tested to best discern genetic differences between each race. Actually, we just threw some shit together hoping for some wet t-shirt and butt-crack footage we could laugh at in the editing room. The prize for the first three tribes was immunity, fire, and a piece of an immunity idol that remarkably resembles that Axel F ringtone frog. The Asians and Hispanics dominate, the Caucasians flail, and the African-Americans barely get their boat built before their attempted comeback fails.

After the loss, Jeff Probst notifies the losing tribe that they can send any other subject to Exile Island. The Hiki's select chicken-stealing subject Jonathan, their logic behind the choice being "Karma's a bizzle”. Jonathan is sent to Exile Island, where he, in scientific terms, "whines like a little bitch".

Tribal Council:

The Hiki tribe dynamic consists of two men and two close women, with the third woman, Stephannie, being a swing vote. Subject Sekou tries to persuade Stephannie to vote out Sundra by threatening that, if he is voted out, the tribe will not have fire. It's a strange tactic, as the tribe already doesn't have fire. It's like Paris Hilton threatening that if we don't start buying her records, then she will stop making quality music.

Hypothesis: Although I am not familiar with African-American female culture, I have seen Waiting to Exhale, so I can predict that, one day, robots will travel back in time to assassinate the parents of their yet-to-be-born enemies. Wait, that's The Terminator. Damnit, I always get those two movies confused! Well, I have seen an episode of Girlfriends, so I know that the women will always stick with each other over no-good men, mmm-hmm! (snaps fingers)

My hypothesis is proven when the tribal council votes are revealed as "Sandra”, "Sundra”, "Seko”, "Seiko”, and "Seppuku”, which is translated to Sekou getting the boot. After he leaves, Jeff gives them tools for making fire. The same fire Sekou said would be lost if he was voted out. Now THAT'S a bizzle, fo' shizzle!

Conclusion: Initial data shows that one group has clearly stood out above the rest. This group has saved itself from a dangerous situation and set itself up for a long stay on the islands. It also has subtly infused divisions between other subjects to deflect the target off itself. It is clearly evident that the genetically superior group in our experiment is:

Chickens

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