Dear Gentle Reader,
You my notice in this summary that certain parts are out of sequence, names left out, and some comments that are flat out wrong. I believe you'll understand as you read on. I'm writing this from memory, and my memory SUUCKSSSSS!!! Oh yes, it sucks HARD.
Here come the losers! No, not the final four, the other losers that didn't make it. Oh God. I can see right now that I'll have to throw back a few shots to make this even remotely bearable. I'll be right back after I shoot some Jägermeister and tequila.
What have we here? It's Keith the Cheater, Robert the Malibu Stacy designer, Kayne the Insane, Young Blonde Girl (who, by the way is an airhead). I see that Blonde Girl has recently opened the air-valve to her brain and slowly leaked out any remnants of knowledge she may have once possessed. There's Bradley. He looks different. His manner belies the fact that he has just inherited the family business: the World's Largest Noise-Making Toys Manufacturer. Eewwww, it's Vincent. The Freakiest Freak Who Ever Freaked (which by the way Turns Him On) We also have The Crybaby Known as Angela.
This is a good time for me to take a break and sniff some glue. Or huff some spray paint. I can't decide so I'll do both.
I'm back. Oh God. It's Marlin. His name suits him since his mouth always looks like he's being pulled off stage by a fish hook. WHAT'S THIS? His family's never been supportive of his fashion dreams and homosexuality? Booo-fucking-hooooo. Let's talk about his phony as shit accent. When he speaks I hear a blend of sounds: primarily lies and carny-speak. Marlin's accent is phonier than the tooth fairy. In fact, it's the most affected accent/laugh of anyone, anytime, anyplace, anywhere on Earth, in our solar system (including Pluto), the Milky Way, including all its planets, stars, asteroids, cosmic debris and nebulas, and beyond that the cluster of galaxies which includes the Milky Way, then the superclusters. Basically everything in the known universe, up to and including the unknown universe.
All this excitement is making me dizzy…. time to break out some hits of acid. And a peyote chaser.
Ahhh, much better. Wait a minute, there's something happening. Yes! It's my wolf spirit guide. I have now morphed into a wolf which will only heighten my sense of smell and raw animal instinct. Plus I can hump Michael's leg whenever I feel like it.
We've come to the part of the show where the losers get to relive some tripped out clips. I'm prowling around but they can't feel me since I'm a spirit. I'm bearing my teeth and assuming a threatening pose. Malibu Stacy Man is called out for being boring – he agrees so I move on, and so do the clips. Now I'm seeing Laura the Box Head with her out-takes.
"There's a lot of ugly in that design." Over and over the same proclamation. I move in for the kill when I notice she's having a litter. My keen senses tell me this is not her first litter. Out of respect for her unborn I decide not to harvest her bony parts.
Now I'm pricking my ears up (pun intended) Grrrrrr. It's
Kayne the Insane talking a mile a minute. My hair is standing on end and I send out a menacing growl right in his face. Oh, how I wish they could hear me!
*sniff* what is this? Vincent is watching the clip of his out of control rage. I can smell his adrenalin. The man is completely unhinged. Just look at this psycho rampage. I want to rip his throat out right then and there as he bullies a hapless production assistant for doing his laundry. No wonder his B.O. is making my eyes water. Were I not in spirit form, I would lift my leg and piss in his face.
*sniff…. sniff* There's no mistaking the smell of fecal matter. I zero in on the source: It's Keith being called out on his cheating and his lies. He tries to say it's a conspiracy and his fear causes him to shit his pants. Oh God, the smell. I don't think I can take it anymore. This calls for another tequila shot. I think I'll also break out my stash of mescaline.
Ahhhhh……. My mind is mellowing further as my wolf spirit guide goes away. What's happening? Can it be? How am I worthy of this? Yes friends, I have changed into my eagle spirit. I'm circling overhead now. I drop one on Heidi's head for good measure. I light on Tim Gunn's chair as a show of solidarity. Some of you may not know this but I am the official mascot of COG, the Cult of Gunn.
I fly back over to the designers. What do I see but Jeffery! He's relentlessly bullying an older woman. Oooh, how he will scream when I zoom down and peck his pecker head with all my might. Damn, he can't feel it! Penis Head will regret this, I assure you. I must satisfy my blood lust. This time I fly down on him, my deadly talons unfolded in an attempt to scratch out Jeffrey's eyeballs. Again, not that satisfying but I'll take what I can get.
Until next week. Time for me to return to my sweat lodge.
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